Living with other human beings is hard for me mostly because I am addicted to expectations the way most people are to coffee. It is hard to see past my own stuff most times and because of that, I don’t always realize me “getting my way” usually means I had to bulldoze someone else’s. Are you a happiness bully? Do people have to feel what you feel and see the way you see it, “or else?” Are you offering the same compromise you are asking of others, or are you allowing arrogance to convince you that your way is the only logical thing? These lies we tell ourselves. These little half-truths we make ourselves believe they build walls in the center of the very relationships we believe we are trying to improve. Are you holding on so tight that you’re strangling? Or pushing so hard that you are actually pushing people away? Calm the fiery rage building inside you, quiet that voice that says “it’s all their fault.”

How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

 

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:4‭-‬5 NIV
http://bible.com/111/mat.7.4-5.NIV

Sometimes the mountain is in me. I’m pushing and praying and struggling to change my circumstances outside, but when the physical circumstances change I feel equally as frustrated, numb, or broken. Sometimes it isn’t a thing outside that needs to change, sometimes it’s me. An opinion, a scar, a way of doing things that may have worked well before, but that tension inside is the Holy Spirit’s way of saying “Ok, you can let go now.” Time passes and the gentle urging becomes stronger. As it’s strength increases the prompt feels more like “No, really release this now or it will hurt you” or “It is imperative you hear this warning. Danger Will Robinson”

I have come to love God more every time I experience this. The experience itself is obviously not fun, but it reminds me of the precious importance of my relationship with Christ. He loves me, specifically and wants me to succeed. He makes it a point to make me my best self, for Him. For His glory. I’m a part of something much bigger than me. Even if the warning doesn’t move me to action the knowledge of God’s love and plan for me always does. I pray it always will.

Lord God please move the mountain in me, or move me as the mountain, but either way have Your way in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Now for the work… I’ve noticed that worship requires a very intentional “putting out of my mind.” Whether it is the business of my day, anger, lust, heartbreak or simply tiredness, part of my worship is making sure there is nothing to distract me from giving God the glory, the all, my all. Otherwise I am not truly worshiping in Spirit and in truth. God deserves my all He requires it, because He gave His through His Son Jesus Christ.

I always think about the meaning of worship, to kiss.  I think about of all the babies and toddlers I’ve kissed or who have kissed me. There is always this content sweet smile on their faces, like I whispered something only we could hear. As if before they can fully comprehend the concept of I love they understand, intuitively what it is. Without words or effort they are soaking up the love I am offering, and simultaneously returning the love I feel for them.

When I get it right, and I do not always get it right, that is what worship feels like. Sharing something intimate, small, simple and perfect with someone much bigger than me.

Purpose is not talent. It is not your interest. Purpose is not even passion. Though passion may to a certain degree reveal purpose. They are not the same. Think mistaking the gasoline for the flame itself. They are not the same, not even close.

There has been a restlessness growing inside me for a while now. It started small and now it gnaws, at the inside of my chest and mind and at the edges of everything about my life. Today I discovered that the monster was not a monster at all, but a friend urging me to search for my purpose. “It is why you can’t sleep, and don’t want to wake up,” it says. “Why you look with longing at every flying thing, and want to run to some unknown place.”

I realize that this is why despite the countless books, sermons, and platitudes I have never found one that explains precisely what purpose is. The hunt for purpose is a great deal like the search for the illusive Eros, it is much more about discovering what it is not than what it is in your attempt to find the thing itself. A process of elimination.

And while we are on the subject of contradictions, the only way to capture, or rather be captured, by the thing is with a pure heart. But the road that draws you closer is full of clouds and mud and dirt and filth frustrations that you are meant to filter. You are meant to find light in this great darkness, or more, be light. How do I make my way to the things I want most when I am tired from seeking and weary from wandering? How do I keep doing life feeling now the lack of why?

Hope, I think.